| Written by Lisa Hood,
on 06-23-2009 22:38
|
Views : 367  |
Favoured : 21 |
Published in : , Children |
How to Behave so Your Children Will Too is a common sense approach to motivating and disciplining children. Each chapter illustrates effective strategies for parenting with antidotes from Dr. Sal Severe's years as a family therapist.
The key points of the book are: use of positive reinforcement, use of internal and external motivation, understanding a child's need to gain power, breaking behavioral patterns and appropriate punishments.
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to take good behavior for granted. Dr Sal points out that if parents don't acknowledge good behavior and decisions, children will have no motivation to continue them. When parents compliment, children will feel good, they will feel successful, and they will want to feel that way again and again. Parents should emphasize the positive by pointing out good behaviors and decisions. Attention, praise, hugs and smiles are rewards for children.Motivation comes from either an internal source or an external source. Internal and external motivations are most powerful when used in conjunction. If children feel successful, it will boost their internal motivation.
Dr Sal discusses a process, called Shaping, which breaks complex behaviors into small steps. This allows the child an opportunity to succeed, as long as the parent does not expect perfection, only progress. For example, if it takes a child 40 minutes to clean their room when it should only take 10 minutes, a parent can set a timer to reinforce completing the job on time. Rather than setting the timer for 10 minutes, set the timer to 30 minutes. Each time the child improves their previous time of 40 minutes, they will feel good about themselves. Continue to race the clock over a week or two, moving the timer to 25 minutes, 20 minutes and so on, until the child is able to complete the chore in 10 minutes.
For external motivation, incentives such as allowance or privileges may be utilized. Dr Sal also recommends the use of charts and contracts. He cautions that the standards should not be set too high. This can create too much pressure and have a reverse effect on motivation. A chart usually works best with younger children and older children usually prefer a contract. Both methods provide an opportunity for positive interactions because the focus will be placed on positive behavior, tracking areas where progress has been made. Charts and contracts will also keep all family members focused on the same goal, increasing consistency between parents. Points, check marks, plus signs or stickers may be given as awards for positive behaviors, and in some cases, these awards are enough to motivate the child. Additional incentives or bonuses provided at the end of a week, may also be used.
Managing misbehavior is another key point of the book. Children misbehave in a variety of ways. There are annoying misbehaviors, such as whining or nagging, disobedient misbehaviors, defiant misbehaviors and aggressive misbehaviors, which may be verbal, name calling or physical, hitting, fighting etc. Misbehaviors are learned. No matter how insignificant or how troublesome, there is a motive and pattern to misbehavior.
As Dr Sal points out, there are many reasons why children will push our buttons.
· They hope we will give in and they can have their way.
· They want attention.
· They want us to feel guilty and blame ourselves when we punish them.
· They are angry with us.
· They want to get even and hurt us. Everyone has a button and everyone reacts in his or her own way when their button is pushed. Some may get angry, impulsive or vengeful. As parents, when our buttons are pushed, we may want to use stronger punishments. However, large punishments are neutralized by anger. When a parent surrenders control as an adult, it is a significant motivator to some children. Parents should focus on times when they have been successful in maintaining control, when they've used strategies such as walking away, counting to ten, and deep breathing to defuse anger. Children will still test, even when their parents are no longer getting angry. That is just the way it works.
The best way to break patterns of misbehavior is to ignore unwanted behavior, but do not ignore the problem. For example, if a child has a tantrum in the grocery story, insisting on candy, crying louder and louder until he gets what he wants (reward) you must address the problem. Give the child a firm warning before you go to the store. "If you whine for candy in the store, I will take you home and come back to the store by myself later. " Offer a reward for good behavior. "If you speak in a polite voice while we are in the store, you can be in charge of the list/push the cart/ride etc." When the child whines for candy, you must leave. Do not get upset or argue or bribe.
Conflicts can be resolved without anger. Communication and punishment are more effective when parents remain calm. Do not threaten when discipline is required. To ensure punishments can be followed through, parents should think about appropriate punishments before they need to use them. For example, "You're grounded for LIFE!" is not a punishment that can be enforced and is probably given during a moment of anger. Dr Sal recommends parents wait until their anger subsides and then consider a punishment that will teach children to make better choices in the future. "You were out too late on a school night. As punishment, you will not be able to go out this weekend. When you are home early during the week, you will have more time on the weekend."© Copyright 2001 Lisa Hood. All rights reserved.
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