| Written by Lisa Hood,
on 10-20-2008 16:08
|
Views : 361  |
Favoured : 21 |
Published in : , Advice |
Tags : typical conflict, how to resolve conflicts, free reign, teenage daughter, menagerie, retribution, resentment, end result, ruin, small group, aftermath, resolving conflict, anger, objective, pets, relationships, diet, parents, health |
Every day we encounter problems, some are small and easy to resolve, while others seem to take on a life their own. These particular problems may become great slobbering pets: we feed them daily, a diet of anger and worry, we take them with us wherever we go and we tell stories of how we met. We are never very far from our pets, tethered by a leash: we follow where they lead. Eventually we find ourselves caring for a menagerie of problems and wonder how we can ever let go. The first step is to acknowledge the problem arose from some conflict in the past that was not adequately resolved. If we don't have the option of resolving the conflict now, we need to just let it go and move on. Resentment, regret and retribution are three R's of ruin: they will ruin your health, your relationships and your mental well being if allowed free reign. Once you are able to let go of the past, learn how to resolve conflicts before they become your new, favorite pets.
Keep the end result in mind. Is it worth "winning" at any cost? Be clear of the objective when a conflict arises. Sometimes we can get so attached to our position, we fail to see other points of view. We may even be defensive and determined to "win" the argument, and lose sight of our original goal, to resolve a conflict. Here is an example of a typical conflict and the potential aftermath:
Conflict: My teenage daughter asked to go to a party. She tells me the parents will not be there, but says the party is going to be a small group of kids; most of whom I know and consider responsible. I just don't feel comfortable that it is unsupervised.
My daughter and I have different points of view of the conflict. She may feel that I don't trust her, whereas I am just concerned for her safety. She may feel overprotected and want to rebel while I feel she is unappreciative for all the things she is able to do.
Win / Lose outcomes include: my daughter goes to the party despite my reservations or my daughter does not go to the party. Either of these options will leave one of us feeling unhappy. It's very likely that this conflict will become a new pet in our home, creating distance between us and rearing its head during our next conflict.
By keeping the end result in mind, we can change a hostile encounter into a productive problem solving opportunity.
End Result: My ultimate goal is to have a mutually respectful relationship with my daughter and honest communication. If I dismiss her request without giving it any consideration, I am punishing her honesty and next time she may be tempted to lie to get what she wants. Instead, I need to acknowledge her honesty and explain my reservations. I will ask for her suggestions on how to resolve the conflict rather than just telling her no.
More often then not, my daughter can come up with numerous suggestions: "I can call and check in every half hour." "You can drop me off and pick me up.""When you drop me off, if it looks like kids are getting rowdy or drinking, we can go home, no argument." "You can call her parents and verify they know she's planning a party."
I'll usually agree to all her suggestions, plus add one or two of my own. "If you fail to check in, I'm picking you up." In the end, my daughter knows that I trust her, but there are still expectations she must meet to maintain that trust. I feel more at ease knowing she will check in every half hour and she won't be driving. Creative problem solving is only possible when you are committed to finding a solution to meet the desired end result.
Problem Solving Process:
1) Identify the problem
2) Understand the unique characteristics of the problem and possible outcomes
3) Understand the requirements of a possible solution
4) Identify possible solutions
5) Choose the best solution based on pros and cons
6) Implement solution
7) Observe and evaluate the solution's impact (did it work?)
There will be times when no happy medium is possible. The best we can do in these situations is state our position and acknowledge we will agree to disagree. Accept that there are barriers to effective problem solving that may impede your progress. Just don't let problems take on a lives of their own, manifesting into monsters, demanding attention to survive and grow.
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